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Inner Conflict

 



Inner Conflict


I woke up one day

And felt my face

It was wet.

I looked at my pillow

It was also drenched.

I recalled,

I had cried myself to sleep yesterday

My eyes were still red and puffy

What had happened?

I didn't remember.

The day passed and the night came

I slept.

I woke up

Again to find that the tears had escaped

What had happened?

I didn't remember.

It happened again

And again

It continued.

I didn't know what was happening to me

I was so confused

I was so sad

I had forgotten to smile

My mom used to see me with her sullen eyes

She always tried to hide her face

What was she hiding?

She would not wear makeup anymore

Her eyes had dark circles underneath them

The most puzzling thing was that all the knives

All the scissors of the home

Had been removed or hidden

From whom? I didn't know.

One day she started crying, my mom was crying

She was so loud

I didn't know what was happening

I looked around

I saw myself holding a blade in one hand

And the other underneath the blade

It was then that I was brought back to my consciousness

I dropped the blade and tried to recall

Nothing happened.

I didn't know what was happening

My mom was still crying

It was then that it struck me

I was the sadness

I was causing her pain

I was causing myself pain

But the pain was too much

My therapist used to tell me

To never succumb to the sadness

To never succumb to the depression

Never lose hope for the light exists

I never knew what she meant

I never knew what she wanted me to do

For I wasn't controlling my body

It was the sorrow of suffering

And it was then that I realized

I realized that there was so much more than just the pain

There was much more to life

There was much more to me than just the hurt

There was much more to me than just me

I was made of infinite possibilities

My mind would listen to those negative ones

When it could've listened to the positives

And it is how situations made me

Made me weak and made my mind cynical

But I am better

Better with those realizations

Better with dealing

Better with life

And here I end this conflict with my existence

And instead embrace the soul I've been given

For it is one and one only

Throughout my life.



~ Vedha Bhasin 

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